So my psych appointment went haywire. She knows everything and still didn't put me on any meds just "expects" me to keep attending ECT's. I talked to my fiance'.... I guess things are still on. I'm still not sleeping well and having nightmares and thats half my problem. You know the song... "I got 99 problems but a bitch aint one?" I almost literally have 99 problems... but I won't bore you with that. Anyway my psych thinks I don't love my fiance' because I encourage him. Since when did she become the love police. This was MY idea and HE is going with it. I have been getting messages about people "knowing" how I'm feeling... you don't know anything. Empathizing? sure thats fine... but knowing whats going on? no, I can only count on one finger the people who actually can relate to whats going on with me and it sure isn't the people who said they "understand." I realize what is trying to be done here but honestly? its not going to work. If I don't love and think highly of myself then its not going to work.

Good news though.... that check issue will be taken care of and I'm filing a police report against the person but I'm scared of retaliation from him or anyone else because I found out about his record and apparently he has a sex offense against him which is just what I need. He knows bad people who could do bad things to me. I'm really worried but I have still decided to file the report.

I'm gonna yell at friendship today. I'm just agitated and angry for them trying to put crap on me. I'm not up for it and my Social Worker as well as my community support worker will be hearing it from me today.

hope everyone has a great day!

well I woke up again with nightmares multiple times through the night. I can't deal with this anymore. Its bullshit that this all is going on. I have been hardly eating because I don't even feel like it... its my way of dealing with stress and other problems. plus I feel the need to be at the weight I want. Fuck that its "unhealthy" or whatever its where I want to be.

I get to see my community support worker twice today. He's married but cute cute cute! however, I wish he wouldn't talk to my psychiatrist, especially with the information he knows. I don't want to even hear what she has to say and I really don't want to go to that 10:00 meeting today. ugh! I feel like crying everyday.... some days it happens and some days it doesn't. whatever. I'll update more later in the day.

I took an ED quiz and my BMI is obese... makes me wanna cry. I'd like to be a good 80 pounds... maybe 75 and then my BMI won't be an issue. I know BMI is crap but I still feel awful! ugh! I need to buy stuff to help me lose this weight and no eating for awhile.

and that stupid ass better never set foot where I'm living again or he's gonna get it! oh well I have to call SSI anyway, I'll just stop the check but I bet its already spent. asshole! I'm furious! oh well people seem to screw me over alot.

Monday can't come soon enough and its definitely bittersweet. I hate the day SO much but later in the day, there won't be problems.